Spacehamster’s Blog

Neil Gaiman - one of my favourite authors, who has one of my favourite blogs. I’ve read all of his Sandman comics (thank you Glenorchy Library!). Brilliant brilliant work that affected me deeply. Like Lord of the Rings, it came along at the right time in my life.

I realise that not everyone is going to understand or enjoy his works. But there’s a huge difference between criticising his latest literary creation and indulging in character assasination - which is precisely what this review in AICN’s A$$holes comics column does.

OK, it’s time someone said it and it might as well be me. Your version of THE ETERNALS is about as exciting as a piece of burnt toast. I mean, really. What the hell is going on with you? You’re supposed to be a good writer. No, scratch that, you’re supposed to be a great writer. I mean, if I’m supposed to believe your legions of SANDMAN fans you’re practically the poet laureate of the comic book industry. Now me, personally, I never got what was so great about you. I tried…really I did. I picked up the first SANDMAN trade and, well, I have to say I was more than underwhelmed. Let’s face it…I was straight out bored. But I accepted that SANDMAN probably wasn’t my cup of tea or maybe it was just too “over my head” and I went on with being one of the few unwashed masses that didn’t think SANDMAN was the best thing since Twizzlers. Which is fine. Other people appreciated your work and I think that’s great. Obviously your writing touched some hearts out there and you built yourself a reputation for having brought some sort of enlightenment to the field of comic books. Super. Great. Fantastic.

And I’ve been willing to accept for years that you are one of comicdom’s greatest writers. That your SANDMAN work is to be considered one of the great comic works of all time. That you brought something to the field of comics that few, if any, creators of comic books have ever been able to do. Once again, that’s fantastic stuff. Bravo! You’ve achieved success that many crave and that few will ever be able to reach! You’ve inspired the likes of Tori Amos to write introductions for your trade paperback collections and given a whole new generation of Goths a reason to keep dying their hair black while applying generous amounts of eyeliner. Excellent!

But, Mr. Gaiman, I have a serious question for you: what have you done for us lately?

That wasn’t a good review of Eternals. It was an excuse for a Gaiman-hating comics reviewer to bash every single work that Neil Gaiman has ever written. This type of article may be acceptable on Message Forums. I don’t believe it passes muster as a review. Granted, I didn’t enjoy Eternals #1 either - so much so that I didn’t read any further. But there’s a huge difference between reviewing a comic, and indulging in an internet-inspired bashing of an author’s work.

Let’s contrast that, to this review of Martian Manhunter by Ambush Bug -

There are many theories as to why the Martian Manhunter is not as popular a character as Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, and even Plastic Man. J’onn J’onzz has been around for ages, has had multiple miniseries and series, he’s usually a solid cast member in the JLA, so why the hell isn’t he a hotter character? Some think it has to do with his alien look, but that’s not the case. J’onn J’onzz basically looks like a cross between the Hulk and Superman and both characters have iconic status. It’s not because he’s green. That’s not the reason why. I have a theory. And I’ve waited until the fourth issue of this series to tell it to the world.

The reason J’onn J’onzz isn’t as popular as he could be is because of one thing…

…it’s because of his tiny, little speedo Martian Man-pants.

Fans of comic bookdom aren’t comfortable with male nudity. For the most part, they aren’t shaped like these muscle-bound heroes that fight and fly across the panels. They’re of the flabbier sort. If they were to try some Martian Man-Pants on, there’d be quite a bit of cupcake action going on, if ya know what I’m saying. We as fans don’t want to see a seven foot Martian walking around like he’s on the French Riviera. Some of us are short people. If Mr. J’onzz were to walk up to us, it’d be more than a little uncomfortable since his Martian Man-junk would be a bit too close to eye level. And that would suck. Speedos suck. Ever been on a beach and a guy in a speedo walks by? He’s ridiculed. He’s mocked. He’s envied a little. And he’s basically the guy at the beach everyone wishes to be washed out at high tide or to step on a jellyfish. J’onn J’onzz, Martian Man-pants Wearer, sucks.

Great opening paragraphs, and also touched on a very good reason why you won’t ever see Martian Manhunter in a big motion picture flick. Get rid of the speedos. Then call Hollywood.

I’ll continue to read AICN COmics, because most of their regular reviewers write good reviews. Which is why an oddly written review like Eternals stands out.